~105mm

Have you ever looked through you're old things? Shards of your life. Like, in a room, the collected sum of your existence. Material memories. And thought about life? Like, in a big, all-encompassing way, not "I wish I hadn't" or "____ really sucked/rocked" just, like an outsider, looking in... trying to work out what it is you really want from your time alive, and what the options are to getting it?

I sifted through our flat's spare room today (since we're getting another flatty in, and also because I was having an epiphany while in/coming down from an acid trip**) and reminisced, regretted, mourned over a lot of small things, stupid stuff. Like a stuffed toy Alex sent me when she visited before moving here. Or mundane things like a list of things to accomplish in a day with an added "I love you heaps and heaps, sweetie wallie, you're silly chicken*~" attached.
To funeral invitations to people whose deaths seemed mundane and annoying at the time, but now when I think about it, maybe it would have been better to know them more? What did they experience in their lives? What were their views on "shit"?

Inevitably(this word does not seem correct) you begin to wonder (especially with things such as signing on to an 11 month lease commitment looming ahead) how much shit you actually need to function? What defines a happy life? Comfort? Expression? Survival? Wealth? Status? The ever cliche and yet somehow appealing: love? I don't know, to be quite honest. But it makes you think. Right now, looking through the pieces of my life as a whole, I feel like I could drift. Take the old loves of my life (Sketchpad + Pencil + iPod), the new (Guitar + Amp + Nail Clippers) and the necessary (Car + Blanket + Clothing) and live a happy, fulfilling life.

It has a romantic appeal. Making enough to get by, by doing what you can, where you can, but having the freedom to do whatever. I imagine I could busk at this point with my guitar skills, and time would only make it better (lets face it, who doesn't tip shitty buskers out of pity? I know I do )
Neo hunter-gatherer. You survive, by doing enjoyable things, but you're free. No bills, no rent, just what you need, when you need it.
Maybe I'm turning into a dirty commie. Or maybe acid has opened my paradigm of what I thought was and was not feasible to do? Or maybe events in my life have lead me to this realization?

I don't know. Nor do I know if it is in fact a realization, and not just the idle firings of an overactive and idealistic imagination? What I do know is, that I feel more empowered knowing that should I hit rock bottom, I can manage, and still be happy in my life. Everywhere I look, I see beauty, or ugliness, depending on my own perception. Sometimes I think I see too much hate and not enough love, or less extreme too much "cool shit" and not enough beauty. Real beauty. I walked 2hours this morning to watch the sunrise. I don't remember seeing it and paying attention since I was 11. I can't help but think as I stare at the red globe in the sky that provides us with life, how unappreciative we are of the simple things. The movements of the really small birds that live outside my house, and the way smoke from a cigarette wisps into the sky, if I had to describe what I think it reminds me of, I would say thoughts. A wisp of smoke reminds me of a thought, it spirals wider and wider trying to understand how it interacts with it's surroundings, until it all clicks into place, and becomes air (heh, that sounds so cheese). But most of us are too busy saving money to buy crap we don't need. I'm not against comforts, but how much effort makes a comfort item a burden? When you pay $50k a year to insure something against "the unthinkable" happening, does it not seem like you're focusing on the wrong thing? Does the homeless man who lives to 90 experiencing the highest highs, and the lowest lows and true freedom gain more from a life than the mild accountant, who focuses on his career, life milestones, the way other people think a life should be lead, and goes through with his blinkers on, never experiencing what else is on offer only to get hit by a bus? (Should that be paragraphed better? )

I can't help but link this train of thought to my recent paralysis/near death(in my mind, anyway) shock, where for the first time in my life, I had to face up to the very real nature of how easy it is to perish, and also had time to truly let it sink in. Not like when I lose control at 120 in the rain, but when it's slow. Your body has stopped moving, you may die, nobody knows why.
I have no control over my time here, maybe if I quit smoking, that's statistically proven to extend some peoples time here? And yet, some people simply linger on smoking into the hundreds? Perhaps (and I think this is true) I've misplaced my faith in medicine and the scientific approach. Misplaced maybe the wrong word, but definitely overestimated. All facts are non-facts if something they rely on is disproven. Gravity used to be a heretical concept. The world was flat... Are we on the verge of another scientific paradigm shift? Who knows. It's irrelevant really, they don't affect the people living while they happen too greatly. Change is slow.
But given that I more or less have no choice of how long I get to spend alive, my thoughts start to wander as to what I want to achieve. Not for you, not for my family, not so I can get a nice car, not so I can get a hot girlfriend/wife/harem, but for me. Just me. What makes me happy? Sure all of those things are part of the equation, as is conforming to somewhat of a social norm lifestyle-wise, but I feel as if I've put too much effort into achieving my goals via the wrong course. If I live a typical lifestyle, I feel trapped, and tied down. I get a hot girlfriend? Nice car? Yea, but what's the price I pay? Can I not satisfy both needs? When a girl is attracted to what I project, and I project something that's "not quite what I want" do I not constantly attract girls who are not my type? I'm starting to think so. It all feels too much, like if I let go, and stopped trying, things would happen. That doesn't mean quit my job, live on the streets playing bad music for worse money, but just... actively try to link happiness in the moment, with happiness in the long run.

Who knows? At this point, most of you have stopped reading (fair enough, I'm shit, and i may not have read a journal/post like this of yours depending on my mood at the time of clicking "6 new messages")

But if you have, thanks. I don't ask that you grasp any of it, or apply it. Just think? I guess. That's my motive. To try and prompt real self examination. I'm not saying go out and take acid. And I'm not saying that is the sole cause of this "thought" I'm just saying. (though I must say, I've been running all of this in my head for months now, and the influence really did help me focus on the thoughts and disassociate them from the emotions which normally block further introspection)

In any case, I'm not a total stoner, just the same old mild one. I may never take anything like that again? Maybe the first will always be the best? Or possibly not, but I don't think that getting high again will bring anything more to the surface. It feels as though my emotional and philosophical pores have been cleansed from thinking about it. I feel lightened (sure I've said that already )